the baby blues…

We hear about postpartum depression and the baby blues, but we don’t ever truly understand it until it happens to us. Even if you’ve never suffered from depression or you had a picture perfect pregnancy, it can still show up well after that precious baby is finally in your arms. No one around me knew I was silently struggling because I felt so ashamed. I would hide behind my smile and social media posts, but deep down inside I was crumbling.

Yeah, I definitely struggled to get pregnant. I went through rounds of testing and IVF and had complications at the end of my pregnancy. I still enjoyed every second of being pregnant regardless, and I even miss being pregnant all the time. I worked so hard for this baby and I never imagined that shortly after giving birth I’d be dealing with such sadness. How could I possibly feel so disconnected to my baby I wanted so badly?

Lets go back a bit…I had this perfect natural birth plan all set and ready to go. Of course nothing went as planned. I ended up with a C-Section due to many factors that ultimately came down to the safety of myself and my baby. I had planned on breastfeeding and at first it came pretty naturally for both Porter and I. I ended up with a severe allergic reaction (that went undiagnosed until a week after I got home) all over my lower/upper abdomen and my entire back to the orange soap from my C-Section and spinal block. Once we got home and in the swing of things the adrenaline rush started to wear off and my body began to wear down. My allergic reaction got worse and also became painful. I was placed on some heavy steroids which made me constantly sick to my stomach. Then, I started to slip into a dark place. I stopped eating, it hurt to hold my baby, I was so exhausted, very emotional, and my breast milk supply began to take a dip. I began to push myself. I started taking whatever supplements I could to produce more, start pumping in between feedings, whatever I could to make sure I could feed him. I even tried just strictly pumping all day and night but nothing was working. I could barely make enough to feed him and I was no longer taking care of myself. It was like I hit a brick wall and I didn’t know what to do anymore.

I got to the point where I couldn’t even look at my baby because I was so disappointed in myself as a mother. I started to feel disconnected to my baby, and failing at breastfeeding was beginning to take a toll on my mind and body. I sank deeper and deeper into my thoughts and it eventually engulfed me. I just couldn’t do it anymore. Mike finally sat me down and told me it was time to seek help. I met with a counselor who works a lot with mothers postpartum. I got to meet with other local moms and quickly learned I wasn’t the only one going through this. I wasn’t alone. I knew something had to change and switching him to formula was a step in the right direction.

Nobody said taking care of a newborn was easy, but we all have this extreme need to be the perfect mother. To do everything right, and feel ashamed when we can’t. Yes, breastfeeding can be so beautiful, and is the most natural way to feed your baby. Unfortunately, it wasn’t what was best for us and that is okay. It still breaks my heart I wasn’t able to breastfeed, but I know now that fed is best. Once we slowly switched from breast milk to formula I began to find myself again. I regained my strength, continued counseling, and my connection with my son is incredible now. Porter is my world, and he was never, ever what made me feel depressed. The pressure to be this perfect ideal mother that society makes us think we need to be was what got to me. Every mother just needs to do what works for them and not worry about outside influences passing judgment or telling you what to do. We should be lifting each other up, not comparing ourselves to one another and tearing each other down. Being a mom is hard. This shit is HARD. But you will figure it out. You will be an amazing mother. It just takes time, patience, and love.

xoxo,

ash